Wednesday, February 11, 2009

You've Been Warned: Top 6 Helpful Alerts for New York State

Warning! You may be at risk of reading.

In honor of New York state's proposing a bill which would require retailers to post advisory signs indicating video games may cause epileptic seizures (reported via Wired's Game [silent bar] Life), I have devised six more problematic areas in which the government may wish to inform New Yorkers of clearly impending disaster.

#6 Times Square may cause epileptic seizure.

As a personal anecdote, I was watching ABC News with Brian Williams, and his bobbing chin, inflated to galactic proportions upon the Megatron, sent me into a near bout of demonic possession. Later, I realized it was just gas.

Public transportation may cause exposure to urine.

Long recognized by many as an economical, convenient way to travel, the subways and buses of New York are also recognized by others as an economical, convenient location for bladder unloading.

#4 Hooker feeding may cause illicit sex.

You're thinking to yourself, hey, she's got a family, mouths to feed..., so you toss her a pastrami on rye. Little did you know her mouth wasn't the only thing that needed feeding, and she's on you like grease on a NYC-style pizza (see #2); suddenly the boys in blue are on your back, all for your charitable behavior. It was all her fault. Of course.

#3 Hobo feeding may cause illicit sex.

It's happened to 90% of the population; the other 10% lies about it. Except me.

#2 Local cuisine may cause bloated fat cells.

...among other serious, life-threatening issues. The addition of a pickle does not create a balanced meal.

#1 Breeding with upstate New Yorkers may cause larger gene pool.

As more and more fresh blood finds its way to the fields and woods of the North-Eastern United States, the long-preserved, endemic European immigrant population is in danger of disappearance. Don't let that happen.

#0 Visiting New York after writing a top 6 may cause "accidents".

I've been warned.

Jesse Dylan Watson kept asking himself, "What would Scott Sharkey do?".

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